First post! (written on 9th march and moved from wordpress)

Well, i really never ever written a blog before. So this is my first time and hope it'll continue.
Hopefully, this blog will allow me to record my thoughts, about school work, about friends, about life, about God... Most importantly it will be a place for me to reflect, ponder and uncover. Reflect upon the things i have done, said and thought. Ponder about those stuff and ulitmately, uncover and learn something about myself.

Just recently, about 2 weeks ago, i wanted to give up. I wanted to give up chasing good grades, give up trying to be good in my projects, give up trying to be more confident during presentations, give up trying to be more patient, give up trying to read the Bible more regularly, give up being better. I was so tired. Tired of being unsatisfied with myself, tired of being told how to behave, what to do, what to say and what to think. i was tired of doing things to improve myself, to be that better person that everyone likes, to be someone that i can be proud of, that my parents can be proud of... i was tired of saying things to people that i dont mean, tired of placing people's expectation about me as top priority, tired of pretending that yes, doing all this will make me happier, accepted and belongED. i was tired of being tired. I felt suffocated and unhappy and dead.

So after dg one day, everyone left except me and David, my SM...He could tell that something was up and so he started the conversation by asking mundane things. Soon, i was tellling him my problem, my predictament. Funny enough, after he heard my story and all about wanting to give up, he just said, "then give up lah..give up!" I was shocked. I never knew it was that easy, that simple. All i had to do was just let go. to not care or bother or give a damn. i felt better just thinking about letting go. So i did it. The week that followed was recess week. And i did what i wanted to do for a very long time. I enjoyed life. David told me during the my sharing that i wasnt enjoying life, i wasnt enjoying the life that God gave me. A Christian life is not about being Godly and having all the Godly-traits. Having all the traits of a Godly person doesnt make you a good christian, a good follower of Christ. A good follower of Christ struggles with life not by his own might, not alone but by depending on God, on HIS strength and power. Even if life is caught up with manymany distractions, deadlines, unhappy relationships/friendships, stress....he will still hold on tightly to God's hands, to have faith that God's plans will work and will not be bothered by them but instead be able to enjoy life.

That recess week, i did the things i wanted to do. i did not do the things i didnt want to do. I did the things that made me happy and i avoided those that made me stressed and unhappy. I said the things that came to my mind first and i released all bottled feelings...It wasnt an uncontrolled freedom like wanna go take drugs and go Geylang type but it was more of a subtle-freedom. Those type of things that do already your mind feels released and not plain physical pleasure. That week was great and provided me with a good time of rest and recover.

2 weeks after recess week, i met up with Rudy, one of the staff from Crusade and subsequently told him what happened and was still happening. His response was that i was trying to break out from a structure, a shell of rules and dos and donts. I was forming my own rules coz i hated the ones that pple set for me. In his words, i was changing to become a man. Corny as it sounds, the process of "becoming a man" doesnt take place for many guys. most guys just live through life accepting what pple tell them to do and never ever question why. i wanted my own space, my own set of rules, i wanted to be a person that i like. So i accepted myself. I accepted myself as who i was and what i have. If i am too direct for other pple's comfort, so be it. If i am a boring person to talk to, so be it. If i am matrialistic, so be it. If that day i dowan to study, then dont study...I want to enjoy life and enjoy it to the fullest. I'm still struggling, still finding that set of rules i call my own. It might be tough, might be uncomfortable and I might lose focus...but im sure it'll all be worth it at the end of the day. Faith!